


Tell Me About Despair

by mayflowers07



Series: i can be the one you call [8]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Death Threats, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Team as Family, about sending hate on the internet, eyyy I’m finally writing one of the women, i am about to square up to defend her honour, if you really squint I guess - Freeform, no beta we die like grumbot’s grip on reality, poor false, suicide baiting, there is a thinly veiled metaphor in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29097303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayflowers07/pseuds/mayflowers07
Summary: Stick and stones (and netherite swords and enchanted arrows and potions of harming) may break False’s bones, but she was the Queen- how could she let a few words hurt her?Even if those words are constantly insulting her and threatening her and telling her to kill herself though?Stick and stones may break False’s bones, but words can break her heart.(Part of a series but can be read as a standalone fic)
Relationships: FalseSymmetry & Xisumavoid, No Romantic Relationship(s), we stan the hermits as a family dammit
Series: i can be the one you call [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051148
Comments: 44
Kudos: 184





	Tell Me About Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Couple of quick notes:
> 
> There are several times throughout this fic when someone tells False to commit suicide. She doesn’t really ever consider it, but she does doubt her place in the server and her worth as a person. This is my warning in case that is something that may be triggering to you at all.
> 
> Also in case you haven’t read the other fics, let me just really quickly explain the concept this series is based off of: in Hermitcraft there is a code phrase Xisuma introduced years ago- blue creeper. If anyone says the phrase, it means something is seriously wrong and that everything has to be stopped to deal with whoever said it. It’s a way to ensure that even though the Hermits all prank each other, fight in wars, and have conflicts, it stays friendly and nothing gets taken too far. It also acts as an emergency SOS when someone is in immediate danger.

Despite what many people assumed, the Hermits were actually quite social people. All of their communicators were able to receive interserver messages, so most of them kept a decent amount of touch with their friends not on the Hermitcraft SMP. 

In the case of False specifically, she had many many chats with the various players she had met through MCC (HBomb and Fruit were always sending memes in the Blue Bats group chat at 3 am, she had considered blocking them on numerous occasions), Hermits who had either left in seasons past or were just inactive for season seven (Biffa liked sending pictures of the various cityscapes he was working on in his travels), and honourary Hermits (Zloy and Ely communicated solely through memes and Tik Tok references, it was equal parts endearing and annoying).

But opening up communicators to out-of-server numbers had some drawbacks, mainly that it was harder to crack down on hackers and scammers. Which was why False wasn’t necessarily shocked when she got a message while restocking her terracotta shop from an unknown number that said nothing but, _**“Go kill yourself.”**_

In fact, False’s response was just to roll her eyes and delete the message. It was probably just some stupid prank sent to a random number or another spam message mass sent out. Nothing to worry about.

….

It had been a really busy day. False had been meticulously pouring out layers and layers of concrete for a new pathway through her base. While the work was definitely rewarding, it was also exhausting and left her sunburnt, sweaty, and sore. It also kept her too occupied to check her communicator all day, which was why it wasn’t until she was in her pyjamas and towel-drying her wet hair after a shower that she thought to check the device and saw another message from an unknown number.

This time reading, _**“You’re an awful player.”**_

She huffed a bit. It wasn’t even really a good insult if she was being honest. She made sure to delete and block the number this time, so hopefully the trolls could find a new target to pick on.

….

Joe had once mentioned a quote at a bonfire in one of the earlier seasons. “Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.” False, who had been sitting next to him on the log, didn’t really remember the saying at the time, especially because within the next minute Keralis somehow managed to set Hypno on fire and that occupied everyone’s attention for a while.

In the present after receiving a third anonymous hate message from an entirely new number, she had to admit that maybe there was an enemy out there specifically for her. 

This new message read, _**“You don’t deserve anything. You didn’t deserve to win MCC. You don’t deserve to be in Hermitcraft.”**_ And when False woke up in the morning and saw that amongst the other messages she had received in the night, she wasn’t proud to admit she felt her stomach drop once she read it.

She was quick to delete the text and once again block the new number, but even as she was getting dressed for the day and eating breakfast her mind wouldn’t leave the message. Mostly because she was a bit concerned that the hate was no longer something general that could be explained away as general spam. It was targeted to her. It was deliberate, which meant this person had somehow managed to get her personal number.

(Also maybe False was a little upset because she had similar thoughts to the hate, because she didn’t necessarily think it was skill that had earned her the MCC wins rather than luck, because in her server of talented players it was easy to doubt her place as anything special.)

False contemplated letting the other Hermits know what had happened but brushed that thought aside. Whoever was texting her just wanted attention. They were probably waiting for a response, waiting to see her lose her cool. If she ignored them, they’d get bored and move on with their sad life. She wouldn’t give the hater the satisfaction.

….

_**“If I saw you in person, I’d do the world a favor and kill you myself.”** _

That message was quite unfortunate, mostly because it came while she was with other people. Herself, Stress, and Ren were all casually chatting in the shopping district during lunch and laughing about the latest shenanigans everyone was getting up to when she felt her communicator buzz.

For a second False forgot about the ugly hate she had been receiving and instinctually checked out what had been sent. As soon as she comprehended the message, she felt the blood drain from her face and her heart rate pick up. Quickly she closed the message tab, with one swipe taking away the death threat she had been on the receiving end of.

“Falsie? You okay?” Ren asked, diverting her attention up to her two friends. Both Ren and Stress were looking at her with concern.

“Yeah, why are you asking?” She responded, a bit quieter then usual but thankfully with none of the waver in her voice she feared she would have.

Stress answered, “Um because you just looked really freaked out when you looked at your communicator just now. What did you see?”

False really didn’t want to make this whole thing a big deal. She knew her friends would overreact and freak out over what was essentially a middle-school bully taunting her. It definitely wasn’t that big a deal.

“Oh that’s so embarrassing. Did I really look that scared?” The lies easily flowed out of her. “It’s literally just because I noticed my communicator was only at three percent. It’s probably going to die later today, so RIP me I guess.”

Luckily Ren and Stress took the bait and were quick to start chastising her for being a spoon and letting the charge get so low. She laughed along with their friendly banter and retorted back, even though the back of her mind stayed on the message the whole day.

At night she tossed and turned, but nonetheless came to the same decision once again that there was no use getting anyone else involved. This anonymous person couldn’t hurt her, they couldn’t get into the server, they were words on a screen and nothing more. She could ignore them and that would take away all their power.

She wasn’t in any physical danger, so there was no point in worrying.

…

_**“No one actually likes you. You know that right?”** _

But worry she continued to do. The messages came day after day with no end in sight. Everytime she blocked one number, whoever this was would just use a new one. And there was no consistency to it all either. Sometimes she would get only one message a day, sometimes there would be a constant stream of them so often she would usually end up putting away her communicator.

_**“Literally the worst player in the entire server.”** _

Still False tried to ignore them, though it was quite hard when at least one message was usually in her inbox, and a lot of them hit very close to home. She was sure that getting the other Hermits involved was a bad idea though. No one was getting hurt from the messages, they were just empty threats. Calling attention to her small little problem would be making a mountain out of a molehill.

_**“You’re a fraud and everyone knows it.”** _

But just knowing that out there somewhere was someone who hated her so much they were willing to spend time out of their day harassing her, who thought her completely worthless and useless to her own server, and who wished death upon her just for existing kept False up at night.

_**“I can’t even rewatch old championships because just seeing you makes me sick.”** _

Every message she received dug deep into her soul. Her resolved chipped away piece by piece. She was on edge, spending all her days and nights sick to her stomach waiting for the daily messages that would tear her apart in every way. Even waking up each morning was harder knowing she would have to eventually see whatever she had been sent that night. The hate made her question her own worth as a Hermit, her own position on the server, and she hated that she questioned it at all. She hated that this unknown number was winning their sick game by getting to her, but what was she supposed to do? 

_**“No one would mourn you if you died.”** _

The emotional strain of dealing with the messages for the past week was getting to False. She would flinch every time she heard a notification on her device in fear that it was the anonymous messages, she was less and less productive and focused through the day as more of the hateful words occupied her thoughts, and she found herself socializing way less with the other Hermits- both because she often avoided texting on her communicator as much as possible, and she didn’t know how she could hang out with the other Hermits while she was simultaneously questioning whether she even belonged with them in the first place.

_**“Kill yourself already you miserable excuse of a player.”** _

Ren and Stress both seemed to be onto something being wrong. Each of them visited her at least twice over the week, bringing food and gifts and trying to make her smile. Stress often had a bouquet of flowers- meticulously kept as always- to give to False, and Ren would bring his guitar to show whatever song he had been working on and even play her anything she requested. But all they got in return for their efforts was disappointment and even more concern at how lackluster and tired False had become for reasons they couldn’t figure out.

_**“Do us all a favour and take a jump into the void.”** _

Because it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t life or death. And anything less than death itself was an easy fix for False, for the ‘Queen of Head, Hearts, and Body Parts.’ The Queen could handle her own messes.

_**“Everyone would be happier without you.”** _

Though with constant daily reminders telling her the world would be better off if she died- that she deserved absolutely nothing in life and even less in death- False felt more like the Queen of Nothing.

… 

It was Xisuma who managed to break through the walls False had built up around herself.

It had been a beautiful evening. False was lying on top of one of her towers in her base and just staring up at the rich orange and violet sky, the sun slowly but surely sinking further down into the gently tossing ocean waves below a few lazy clouds. A steady breeze led to a symphony of waves crashing against the sides of her towering build, both providing a soothing background score and intensifying the familiar salty smell of the ocean in the air. It was a perfect setting for False’s goal of trying to relax and take her mind off of her issues, if only for a few minutes while her communicator lay dead and blessedly silent.

So False just stayed there on the smooth grey concrete roof lying on top of the thick wool blanket she had dragged up there, trying to replicate a breathing exercise she had seen once upon a time, focus on the methodic waves swirling around far below her in the ocean, and meditate to clear her mind of the negative energy weighing it all down.

That was interrupted by a figure flying through her line of sight, very small and unrecognizable at first but then getting bigger as they flew towards False. Eventually they were close enough that False could pick out the familiar yellow bee armour they wore.

False’s eyes followed Xisuma as he circled through the air on his elytra until he could land a few metres away from her on the roof. False sighed at the interruption in her peace and quiet.

“Hello, Xisuma. Fancy seeing you here.”

The admin gazed around at the gorgeous view from False’s lounging spot. He seemed to be taking it all in, just basking in the ocean’s natural beauty before folding up his elytra and lowering himself to sit cross-legged next to where False was lying on her back looking at the sky.

“Why hello there. Sorry to just pop in unannounced, but I figured it’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to catch up with you, so why not now?”

False sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to stifle her somewhat irrational irritation. “Who?”

“Who… who what?” Xisuma asked innocently.

“X, I’m not an idiot. Who sent you to check up on me?”

That threw Xisuma off for a bit. He sputtered for a bit, trying to string together a half-cocked excuse before eventually just giving up and admitting, “Wow, after all these years I should know better then to try and get anything past you. Ren mentioned he was worried about you, but he said that Stress was also feeling the same way.”

False shrugged, trying to stay casual. “Well, I appreciate their concern, but there’s nothing wrong, so I guess you wasted some rockets and your time for nothing.”

“So first off, I wouldn’t call it a waste to come visit one of my oldest friends. I’d give you all the time in the world if I could False,” Xisuma said, and False couldn’t help it when her heart skipped a beat at hearing just how affectionate Xisuma sounded about her.

He continued, “And second, you’ll forgive me if I don’t necessarily believe you when you say nothing’s wrong.”

False scoffed, “Oh yeah, and why’s that?”

“Because I am unfortunately the admin of a server full of self-sacrificing derps who’d rather die an agonizing death than admit something’s wrong and get help. And in that list of morons, I’d say you rack up near the top when it comes to being a stubborn fool who’d tear herself clean apart for her friends without any regard for herself.”

Curse Xisuma for being able to read people like a book. Through casualness that thinly-veiled annoyance and panic, False retorted, “Sorry to prove your little theory wrong then X, because I am perfectly fine.”

“Oh, are you?” Xisuma said, not tauntingly but instead laced with doubt and concern.

“Yes,” she insisted.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I pulled up a record of your messaging history?”

False bolted up, so fast she almost got whiplash. “Excuse me?’

“You see, my position of admin gives me many hidden benefits,” Xisuma began explaining while also pulling up a screen of confusing code on his communicator, “one of which is that I have access to the complete logs of every single message sent in and out of my server. With a few commands, I can see whatever you’ve been doing with…”

False’s head swam, hyperfocused on the idea of him being able to see her messages, every single message, everything awful and nasty that had been thrown in her face that she had worked so hard to bury but was now being dug out.

With the seasoned reflexes of a trained combatant, False’s hand darted out to grab Xisuma by the wrist, halting both his typing and his talking in an instant.

“XisumaVoid, don’t you even dare,” she commanded, her voice trying to sound cold as steel, but instead wavering with hot panic coursing through her veins.

For a second the two of them were completely still, locked in a silent battle. Xisuma carefully gauged False’s reactions. When she seemed to have calmed down a bit, her breathing becoming less ragged and her muscles relaxing a bit, he slowly grabbed the hand that gripped his wrist and pulled himself free. False winced when she realized how unintentionally tight she had been grasping her friend.

“False,” Xisuma began, as cautiously as you would approach a wounded animal, “I can’t do any of what I just said, and even if I could I would never invade your privacy like that.”

It took a second to comprehend the admin’s words, but when False did, she grew angry at being deceived and being made to grow so worried. “What? Then why lie? What was all that about?”

Xisuma held up his hands in a placating, surrender gesture. “When Ren approached me, he mentioned that you seemed to be more depressed ever since a day in the shopping district with him and Stress when you saw something on your communicator and got scared. I just wanted to test out if he was right and if whatever you saw that day had something to do with why you’ve been so off.”

False blinked, mentally cursing herself for falling for such an easy trick. She considered to herself how to lie her way out of the situation, but Xisuma really had boxed her into a corner. “Okay, so maybe I’ve been dealing with some… things.”

“Things?”

“Yeah, ‘things.’ But I’m handling them just fine.”

“Mhm,” Xisuma hummed, flat and unconvinced. “Again, sorry to doubt you my friend, but I don’t think what happened just now is how you respond when things are going perfectly fine.”

False scowled, “So what am I supposed to do about these things, you pest?”

Xisuma ignored the attempted jab at him and continued, “You could ask for help with them, or at least explain what it is you’re working through exactly. I know you. I know you don’t let things get to you unless they’re very bad, so you could have used the safeword when it got out of your control.”

“Ha,” False scoffed.

“... I wasn’t joking.”

“Yeah, you were, because trust me when I say that my problems are definitely not worth using the code over.”

Xisuma seemed troubled at that. “But you look like you look like you haven’t been sleeping well, all of your shops are empty but you’re not restocking, and you haven’t answered any of your personal messages in three days. Why didn’t you ask for help with any of that?”

“Because it’s my business to deal with.” 

“Is that it?”

“... Because you’re… annoying and I didn’t want to have to talk to you.”

“Is that really it?” Xisuma’s tone was slow, patronizing. False hated it, hated his sympathy, hated that he wanted to care about her and her molehill issues.

“Because-Because… I- I… well, I-“

“Because what False? Why is it so ridiculous for you to use the code?”

“Because I didn’t feel like I deserved help!” False eventually cried out, sick of Xisuma and his games, and sick of doubting herself, and sick of this person disrupting her life and playing her like a marionette, and sick of herself, of useless little old weak ‘Queen of Failure’ herself.

Xisuma seemed shocked at her outburst, but before he could say anything, she continued her rant, all of her feelings from a week worthy of silent suffering pouring out at once. 

“Is that it? Is that what you wanted me to confess? Cub passed out from sleep-deprivation, Doc was severely injured, Iskall was sexually assaulted, Keralis was tortured and held hostage! And here I am dealing with a few stupid messages like a teenage girl in a cyberbullying PSA, and I’m supposed to make just as big a deal out of it? Hold it up to the same regard? I’m not weak, no matter what. I have value on the Hermitcraft server, and I don’t want to take that value away by wasting everyone else’s time with my dumb issues that affect no one but myself. This wasn’t an emergency, so no X- I didn’t use your stupid code, because it didn’t matter, and it still doesn’t matter.”

After that explosion of emotions all at once, False was left raw and vulnerable and shaken to her very core. Every inch of her soul was bared to Xisuma, and she would do anything to shove it all back down.

To her horror, False realized that her shuttering breathes had turned into sobs and that there was a pool of tears collecting in her eyes. She cursed to herself and began aggressively scrubbing her fists against her eyes to catch any tears before they could fall.

While False was busy trying to hold herself together, she felt a gloved hand begin rubbing soothing circles in her back. She was grateful Xisuma wasn’t smothering her in a hug, and instead was giving her some space to breathe.

“False, you’re in pain,” he almost whispered to her. “That’s why I made the code, so I could help my Hermits when they’re in pain. Let me help you.”

“The messages aren’t hurting anyone so what’s the big deal?” she muttered.

“But they are hurting you,” Xisuma calmly explained.

False shook her head stubbornly and swallowed thickly. “No they’re not.”

“They are hurting you,” he repeated. “Not physically, but the emotional and mental strain you’ve been under from getting these awful messages thrown into your face constantly must be a lot. That amount of stress is harmful.”

“But it’s something I can deal with myself,” False insisted.

“You shouldn't have to,” Xisuma retorted again then sighed and continued to reiterate, “False, I know it can be hard to understand. But you don’t have to suffer and despair to be worthy of love and support. There’s no minimum threshold for the code to be used. When I created the code, my reasoning wasn’t that it only had to be used in the most severe, deadly situations, and that’s it. It was made so that if anyone felt hurt, upset, or uncomfortable in any way, they would have a quick way to let everyone know. That’s it. When I was given the position of admin on the server, my number one goal was and always has been to create a safe, happy server for all my friends and family to play on. And I’m so sorry it hasn’t been that for you. But I’m here now if that’s worth anything, and I want to help you.”

“But it’ll take time and effort out of your day to help me.” False’s voice was breathy and almost inaudible, scared that even the slightest wrong word would send her collapsing in on herself.

“And that is time I will freely give,” Xisuma patiently, lovingly answered. “I meant it when I said I’d give you all the time in the world if you needed it. I’m offering myself to you. You’re not bothering me. Your value is inherent, regardless if you need to take for a bit instead of give.”

False’s thoughts circled around that notion. The hurt part of her cooed at the idea of taking Xisuma’s comfort and warmth and help, of using him as a shield to finally block out the awful words in her head. 

“Hey X?” False asked, her voice soft and vulnerable in a way that she hadn’t let it be for a long time.

“Yes False?”

“... blue creeper. I need help.”

“That’s perfectly okay. I will always be here to help my friends, and you are one of my very best friends. What do you want me to do right now?”

And later Xisuma’s help would mean temporarily coding her communicator to filter out messages from unknown numbers and using his status as admin to track down and report the IP address of the person who had been sending her the hate (who turned out to be a disgruntled, bitter troll who had been sending out similar messages to tons of other big MCC competitors). 

Later Xisuma’s help would mean making hot chocolate and inviting False over to spend the night in his base for a sleepover, letting False talk through all of the fears and insecurities the messages had dug up and implanted in her head and comfort her when it all would become too much. 

Later Xisuma’s help would mean standing beside her for support when she would meet up with Stress and Ren to thank them for their concern and explain why she had been so distraught- and also joining in on the group hug Stress would basically tackle False into. 

But for the moment, False just wanted to breathe for a bit and feel loved. 

“Can we just stay up here for a while? Can you stay with me?”

“Of course,” Xisuma replied, then shifted to wrap the corners of the soft blanket on the ground around the two of them where they sat in comfortable silence together.

Meanwhile the ocean waves crashed relentlessly against each other, swirling in the blue depths.

Meanwhile the sun continued its unending journey around the world, painting the sky in a rainbow of warm oranges and soft violets.

Meanwhile the world went on.

**Author's Note:**

> We stan False, we stan wonderful m/f friendships, we stan attacking the type of awful person who leaves hate on the internet (because seriously, why would you send hate and death threats to people on the internet?), we just stan in general.
> 
> Also I know this idea may seem a little tame compared to some of the more extreme times the code has been used in the past, but that’s kind of the point. Any form of unhappiness is a valid reason to use the safe word, even if it’s not life or death. Like Xisuma said, you don’t need to be pain to deserve love and support.
> 
> The quote Joe says at the beginning is by Ian Fleming. The title of this fic, as well as my inspiration for a lot of it- especially Xisuma’s dialogue at the end- is from my favourite poem of all time, “Wild Geese by Mary Oliver.” I highly recommend giving it a quick read, it’s absolutely gorgeous. 
> 
> I try to say this a lot, but the amount of support this series has been getting is mind blowing. Thank you to every single one of you who has ever left a kudo or commented on my fics, you are part of the reason i’m Always so inspired to write more.
> 
> Next up is (tentatively) Zedaph, though I may end up changing my mind later, so we’ll see. If you have any ideas about this AU, please let me know in the comments. I can’t always promise I’ll write what you suggest, but I adore seeing everyone’s thoughts and ideas.


End file.
